Thursday, January 27
there's no black or white
when everything is grey.
a lie is only a half-truth
and the truth only half a lie.
take your spell off me, dream giver.
i could make myself believe anything,
anything at all.
a lie is only a half-truth.
i could tell myself i don't care about you
and it would be the truth,
minus the word 'don't'.
lies lies lies
everything is grey and gray over.
see, i don't care about you.
you mean nothing to me.
a greater lie than the truth.
hidden truth, wasted dream, heart torn apart.
this truth cannot set me free.
but maybe the lie can.
half a truth.
a whole lie.
grey.
gray.
a mix of black and white.
who's to know
lies don't tell the truth.
you will never know.
lying to myself
i can believe anything.
i want to.
i will.
lie to me.
it must've been love.
10:32 pm
xoxo
Tuesday, January 25
just got scolded by my dentist for not wearing my splint. apparently i've been grinding again and she claims my teeth are going to be worn all the way down soon. but the splint hurts! argh fine. getting used to school life.. sleep at 1plus am, wake up at 530.. bathe and wash up, pack bag and run outta the house eating breakfast. try to stay awake in school, go home for a nap and.. do chores after dinner til 9plus.. crap with friends online while attempting hwk til 1 am and sleep. =D not vey stressful right.
i laugh a lot in school, but it's not the same. some guy has noticed that i'm anti-him. this is directly related to his ka-chaoing me all day. i told him to shut up in front of a senior and kinda shocked him i guess. i don't care. i
still miss the us we had a lot. almost a month in a different school, almost a month we've been apart and i still miss you like we just parted. like there's a big chunk of me missing. and guess which part it is? unfortunately for my new classmates, it's my compassionate [as far as it gets anyway] and caring side. so all they're left with really is nothing but sarcasm and showy glitter. hah. wish things didn't have to be this way. but we've gotta get used to it. we will, someday. somehow.
it must've been love.
6:34 pm
xoxo
Sunday, January 23
i used to like doing lit hwk. strangely enough i haven't touched it yet and it's due tmr. and econs too. but i'm just so distracted, thinking of several things..
am i to wait eternally for something that has already come and gone?
the stars are beautiful tonight. heartwrenchingly beautiful. just like the phrase j'aime et j'espere. i love and i hope.
it must've been love.
10:14 pm
xoxo
Saturday, January 22
sometimes i'm a great big fool. other times i'm just irritatable. the saddest thing just happened. in order to fulfil my promise, i'm not going for the lit trip. yes yes everybody please go ahead and cry, i'll never get to experience anything literary again. :( but as always, duty before self. too bad the course clashed with the trip. maybe it's meant to test me, make me give something up for the sake of duty. and i guess that something had to be the one thing i happen to want very very much right now. argh. i won't talk about it anymore, it's too depressing for mere words.
BUT i could still do with extra income, so i'll continue advertising myself as a tuition teacher. :P
it must've been love.
4:15 pm
xoxo
Friday, January 21
everlasting love by yuko ohigashi is very nice. at least the instrumental version i have of it. don't know if it's supposed to be instrumental. ahh well. swoony. it's very cold here somehow.. it always is.
this is my mundane existence, where knights never come riding on white horses and dragons build huge moats. i'm trapped within myself. sometimes i wonder what it would be like to be someone else, in someplace else. sometimes i see life as a fairytale. then i can't decide if i'm cinderella, still waiting for the ball, or ariel, with her wish twisted by the evil witch. if i could hold forever in my palm, i'd still be waiting for something to happen that never will. waiting.. once i thought i was waiting in vain, but it happened and i foolishly let everything pass away. now it won't come back to me, no matter how i hard i wish. you don't know what you're missing til it arrives, and what you have til it's gone..
it seems to me that my life has come and gone.. fly high my baby bird, my angel, my only..
everyday i miss you more and more. maybe if we could turn back time and be 3/6 '03 and 4/6 '04 all over again things would be better.. but who am i kidding? i wear rose tinted glasses when it comes to the past.
it must've been love.
9:51 pm
xoxo
Thursday, January 20
damnit larh. this morning my classmate told me that she talked to the girl with the funky hair. guess what she said? what's your name.. everyone's calling you the girl with the funky hair. i almost died but i had to rush for ao chinese so i didnt finish yelling at her. arghh. then i had a mild argument with another classmate who incidentally knows her over whether or not she's in our lit lecture class. now i
know she is cos she's in all my lectures! but my classmate claimed she takes lep so i thought she was a crasher. then a few minutes into the lecture the girl with the funky hair walked in.. [i know her name, but i don't want to use it] and my classmate and i exchanged glances.. then i realised all the girls down the row were looking at me and going melissaaaaa. arghh!! *hides face* arghhh!!! i hope she didn't notice! i was blushing crazily it's so embarrassing. i don't like her or anything stupid like that, i just think she's got funky hair, but my stupiddd class blew it up til it seems like i do! arghh! they think i'm bi! arghh! and the guys keep tricking me. first it was mel there's a hole in your skirt! [the day i didnt wear shorts. it was very convincing i totally freaked they were so amused] then today it was i've been drinking from that bottle.. i asked amanda if i could drink from her bottle and i pointed to it and she said yes [i was drinking from my bottle and totally freaked and started laughing hysterically til tears came to my eyes basically i just flipped] and of course both times it was a joke. arghhh.
i think i prefer total ecplise of the heart to everlasting love. hmmsy.
it must've been love.
4:43 pm
xoxo
Wednesday, January 19
i'm lousy at chinese. i couldn't do a
single question. hip hip hooray, i'm the laughingstock of the school. i feel like *bleep*. headache. i wish my mum would tell the school about my condition so maybe i won't have to do tough pe. my shoulders hurt, i'm scared i'm developing another migraine.. yeah it's starting. shucks. blobs of fat do not like pe. chris i miss you!! where the hell are you?? how can you just go to perth and disappear from the face of this earth? no one to binge with me. :( or swim or lie around sleepily. darn life is losing its meaning. whoever misses chris, respire.
finally got everlasting love! the song, not the state of being. =D hee. real love should last forever. thanks siti. friday's a holiday! yay! =D although contrary to popular belief, i do not celebrate hari raya.
i miss you a little,
a little too much,
a little too often,
a little more everyday,
still..
i miss you
and it won't ever change,
not even a little.
where does the past hide itself?
it must've been love.
10:40 pm
xoxo
Tuesday, January 18
every now and then i fall apart..
footsteps pounding the floor behind me, and your voice calling my name. my heart catches in my throat and i turn, barely believing my eyes. sometimes when you long hard enough, you can fool yourself. but you come closer and say my name again.. and i know that it's really you.. after so long.. it really is you, standing before me, all wide eyed and glowing.. and i also know that i'm not the one making you look so radiant. i force commonplace words out, as if nothing is happening to me.. blood rushing through my veins.. a strange tingling in my ears.. i gaze at your face, its perfection.. and i watch you walk away from me, the way i walked away once.. it seems so long ago, everyone and everything else has either moved on or changed.. but there will always be a place in my heart for you that no one can ever replace.. and i don't know what to do.
school is okay. i prefer tutorials to lectures although econs tutorials freak me out somewhat cos i'm never sure of my answers so i sit there praying she doesn't call me. i actually enjoy history.. maybe because it's all fresh information to me.. lit rocks, period. math.. i wish i had the brains of the rest of my family! sigh. i wonder if i'm my parents' child. i'm nothing like them, except maybe my mother's quick temper and their sarcasm. interest wise, i could have been born on the moon.
the song is still ringing in my head. i'm trying not to cry. children's laughter ringing in the air, their squeals echoing endlessly through time. what am i, that i should even pause to contemplate my own fate? what am i, that i should even care.. about you, about the past, about what will never be?
i sound like the saddest person on earth. i reach my hands out to catch manna, but it falls through my fingers unto the ground, crushed beneath someone's careless foot. crushed. ruined. forever. how am i to live?
ask me no questions and i'll tell you no lies.
it must've been love.
5:46 pm
xoxo
Sunday, January 16
sitting here with nothing to do but think of you. actually i've only done half my math tutorial that's due tomorrow.. but it's with my sister so really i shouldn't feel guilty. she's helping me with a problem i can't do.. crazy girl's doing s paper for math and chem. nuts right?
the song's ringing in my head.. total eclipse of the heart. by the way.. the post below.. that's a song. not a poem. :P forever's gonna start tonight.. i heard ppl started mugging in ac already! great heavens, what is happening to the world?? arghhhhhh. *tears hair out* give me a break, all ye nerds! then again i promised to work harder. and to all who laughed at my new year resolutions: i
will keep resolution number 8. i will
not fall for a guy. this does not imply that i will fall for a girl. or maybe not. ;) wahaha. you should see your own faces whenever i say that. priceless. i'm safe within the walls of the nunnery! only.. sometimes.. when i stare into the sky.. i see your face and hear your voice calling my name and i wonder where the hell you are and why i can't be there too.
ask me no questions and i'll tell you no lies. turn around.. every now and then i get a little bit lonely and you're never coming 'round.. turn around.. turn around and look me in the eye once more.
she's done. math tutorial here i come. i won't hate you cos i need to do you. but great heavens above, i wish i were smarter! a better person. anyone. but me.
it must've been love.
10:59 pm
xoxo
Saturday, January 15
Turn around, every now and the I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round
Turn around, every now and the I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears
Turn around, every now and the I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by
Turn around, every now and then I get a little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes
Turn around, bright eyes
Every now and then I fall apart
Turn around, bright eyes
Every now and then I fall apart
And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
Cause we'll never be wrong
Together we can take it to the end of the line
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart
Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart
Turn around, bright eyes
Every now and then I fall apart
Turn around, bright eyes
Every now and then I fall apart
And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
Cause we'll never be wrong
Together we can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I don't know what to do,
I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
Once upon a time
I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart
A total eclipse of the heart
[truly madly deeply in love with this. it haunts me at night, it whispers its secrets into my ear.. and.. i think.. of.. life's tragedies. i feel so stupid sometimes. maybe all the time.]
it must've been love.
10:36 pm
xoxo
Friday, January 14
i went back to st marg's today. it was pretty good. the discipline's not too good.. girls with low socks running amock in the school.. the new principal never leaves her office.. the recruits are good.. i am pinning my hope on them.. hope for the future.. i must say this year's sec3s have let us down.. 2 years ago we thought they would be the ones to help us bring the name up.. but ah well. we'll see about this batch.. we'll see.. had a great time out with jean and jan and gen.. happy birthday jan.. ate at pastamania.. then burger king for dessert.. sang happy birthday to jan very softly and she made a wish and pretended to blow a candle out.. haha.. love you!
told ms ho about my plan to come back every week.. she'll sign for me.. i'll probably be there from 330 onwards thanks to my stupid a0 chinese class. i realise i don't need company anymore in school. i'm okay with sitting alone and stoning, i don't care what others say, because they will never understand.. not they. strange creatures of another land. they stare at me strangely. i love these weekly fixes of getting together and being ourselves and being okay with being ourselves and laughing our guts out. i may never get that in my new class, but that's okay. by the way. i haven't found any real friends. the kind that you just want to hold on to til forever and three days. i guess i'm lucky i found you guys so early in life.. and let's never let go cos you're all that's helping me hold on now. and my duty.
i saw your eyes. they startled me.. the sheer intensity of your gaze. why do you look straight at me like that when you have no rhyme or reason to? it's like you know something.. or want to tell me something. or maybe not. maybe it's because we haven't met in so long, i've forgotten what it's like to look into your eyes. maybe it was a response to what you saw in mine. my unresolved anger. bitterness and sadness and hopelessness. take me far away..
it must've been love.
10:19 pm
xoxo
Thursday, January 13
i wrote something 2 days ago but blogger deleted it. heh. going to be rather busy tonight so decided to blog a little.. tonight's my turn for general chores and changing the sheets. a person can get used to anything, given time. frightening thought, isn't it? i could learn to be a nun. my false calling.
anyway, my new class. hmmm. let's see.. i told some people about my being les with vank and joan.. they actually believed me.. hahaha. incredible, considering that over in sa no one believed vank. i'm such a two-timer. haha. who cares. i can't honestly say i get along with everyone, but i can honestly say that i don't give a damn. which is good, because i will not compromise myself. plus i like being unique. nice people are abundant in this world, why be so common? i'll just go on saying what i think and may the devil care. i've realised something.. i never meant to hurt any of you.. but with them.. i don't know them, i'm hurting so much from being apart from you.. i'm just stinging everyone and anyone, i really can't care, i want to go back to yesteryear and be with you, just hear your voice and see your face. it's not fair to them. but frankly my dear, i don't give a damn. i might regret this when i get to know them better. maybe i won't, ever. but right now.. well back to my class. erh the guys are surprisingly nicer than expected. really. big big big surprise. this is a little hard on me, given my anti-guy reputation. i mean.. after 10 years of announcing that i'm pro-female and anti-guy.. i discover that some of the enemy really aren't that bad.. well what can i say? c'est la vie. by the way, bitchy girls still exist. *no further comments* and oh there are pretty girls in my class. quite pretty anyway. no stunning beauties, but what do you expect? i take back what i said about ugly hc people. after about the tenth glance they start to look okay. just maybe not as beautiful as our people are. =) my class is horribly hardworking. they were doing math this morning.. i didn't know whether to laugh or to cry. give me st marg's 4e6 '04 any day! so much less stress. well. i'll play this week and start on homework and the rest of the stuff with them next week. sigh. i realise my chinese sucks. woe betide me!
joined rovers and library. if i qualify to be a ya and the details are fine with me, i'll drop rovers and go back as a ya, keeping library as my slack jc cca. if i don't, i'll go back anyway, get ms ho to certify that it's an official service, and still keep library. maybe rovers too if i feel like it. but i'm really not the active movement sort, so maybe not. although it would be nice to have a real cca in hc.. library isn't real to me!
you'll never realise how happy it made me when you called the other night just to say you love and miss me. =) it made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.. like i actually mean something.. and there is really no reply to this except.. i love and miss you too. sigh. everyday we trudge on, facing strange new people. everyday i miss you like crazy.
does anyone have the song everlasting love? i'm in love with it. i need to eat sleep breathe it, life has lost its meaning.. where are you tonight?
it must've been love.
7:46 pm
xoxo
Tuesday, January 11
sometimes i wonder why the call of duty is so strong. even as a junior years ago.. we never questioned instructions. maybe i'm used to obeying. i mention this because some people in my present class obviously aren't, but that's none of my business and i don't have to care.
rushing jan's present like crazy. i'm so busy.. just finished playing an hour of piano. i realise the more i have to think about the better i play.. more emotions to feed on, to give i guess. maybe i'll just have to do my files and notebooks another day.. i'm such a procrastinator. just got off the phone.. really tired.. my eyes can't keep open but i have to finish the present. i know she won't be reading this anytime soon so harhar.
talking to you just now, i thought about my new class... how maybe i'm nothing but an intellectual snob afterall, which does not make sense, seeing how they should be looking down on me.. i am nothing. but i can't endure meaningless conversations. somehow i'm fine with long silences on the phone while we're all doing our own work and it's comfort enough to just know someone else is breathing on the other side.. but having superficial conversations with people you can't trust yet.. it's not my cup of tea. i loved crapping with you girls, but i trusted you. it didnt matter what i said, you'd still love me anyway. i miss you. it made my day when you called and the first words you said were hi mel just want you to know i love you and i'm missing you. :) all i can say.. is.. ditto to you.
i wore christine's uniform to school today. someone noticed the green collar. all day i kept touching the tie, and holding the badge in my palm.. don't worry i used a non-prefect badge. it felt good enough that some part of her was still with me. in a tangible way, now that she's so far away. i named the cabbage patch kid botak. actually my mum named it.. when she saw it on my bed she was like ehh you brought botak home arh.. cos when i was a kid i had one and she called it botak. so erh yes. chris's baby is called botak for now.. til she comes back in a few years. and i'm reading dracula.. only i can't read gothic or horror novels at night alone. you're all a part of my life in some way or other, i couldn't get rid of you even if i wanted to try. tomorrow's a pretty heavy day, 3 lectures. i'm trying to rush the present. my hands are cracking from washing endless dishes. i wish we could be together again, but i know it's impossible.
maybe i should stop telling people i'm crooked.. a joke is a joke but if word gets back i'm dead. but at the same time.. i love shocking people. hmm. anyway even if i admitted to being straight now no one would believe me.. cos i'm always staring at the interesting girl from 2 classes away with the funky hair and nice side profile.. and talking about her.. and whenever my classmates talk to her and i'm next to them i kind of want to sink through the ground.. hahaha. don't worry i don't crush her or anything. i just like her side profile. plus boredom i guess? hc doesn't have much eyecandy. so when you see funky hair you tend to take a second and third and fourth glance. or maybe it's just me? darn.
i'm so confused. not about the above, i don't give a damn about it. except the bit about me dying. i.. just don't know whom to trust. or why or when or how. i want to trust them but i don't know them. i want to tell them, this isn't really
me. yeah it's me, but it isn't all that i am, so don't judge me yet. you haven't seen all of me, don't judge me yet. maybe it gets worse maybe it doesn't.. but you haven't seen all of me yet.
it must've been love.
10:55 pm
xoxo
Sunday, January 9
You ask me if I love you
And I choke on my reply
I'd rather hurt you honestly
Than mislead you with a lie
And who am I to judge you
On what you say or do?
I'm only just beginning to see the real you
And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides
Romance and all its strategy
Leaves me battling with my pride
But through the insecurity
Some tenderness survives
I'm just another writer
Still trapped within my truth
A hesitant prize fighter
Still trapped within my youth
And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides
At times I'd like to break you
And drive you to your knees
At times I'd like to break through
And hold you endlessly
At times I understand you
And I know how hard you've tried
I've watched while love commands you
And I've watched love pass you by
At times I think we're drifters
Still searching for a friend
A brother or a sister
But then the passion flares again
And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides
it must've been love.
5:52 pm
xoxo
Saturday, January 8
finally got online after a few days of plopping straight to bed. just got back from chris's house.. to think we'll never step into it again.. nearly broke my back carrying all the stuff home.. the books weighed the most and they now line my bookcase proudly.. every time i take one out i'll think of her. being with all of you today reminded me of what we used to be, and hopefully still are. true friendships never die in our hearts.
my class is okay. as good as it can get i guess. i mean even now, although i have learnt to accept some 4/6 girls, i can't honestly admit to
liking them. reckon that'll be the case with a few of my new classmates. not that i really care, i went to hc to learn, and learn i must. playing's just a sideline. when i get kicked out after 3 months i want to be able to survive in sa's lousy arts course with a good headstart. of course, i will still be only a phone call away from st marg's if needed. the first day was hell. after 5 days of school, it's been getting progressively better. i guess the culture shock really did me in. i'm fine now, although i will
not become like them. i will
not compromise myself. if i speak, it will be in english, with the usual sprinkling of singlish. but not, God forbid, chinese. those aren't
my roots. i come from an english speaking school and i will keep that heritage. let others sway if they wish to. i know people expect me to come back cheena-fied. i won't. i won't. i'll stay me. yes i know you think i'm some sort of intellectual snob, with my nose in the air. but my pride will hold my back straight and when i come back, i will be the way i always was..
i wish everyone could be happy. that all of you could find close friends to support you where the rest of us can't. for gen's sake, i wish she could find someone to converse intelligently with in cj. for jean's and jan's sakes i wish they could find true friends.. the sort you bump into and never let go of. for chris's sake i wish she could find happiness in perth.. and not be too homesick for us.
i dream strange dreams at night. i see myself walking down the corridors.. i'm holding your hand and we're laughing.. i see myself jumping on your back in the pool and being carried about in the water.. i see us sprawled on my bed, snatching for bolsters and pillows.. i see us walking down orchard road at midnight after prom.. i hear our heels clicking along.. i don't know why i remember these little things.. but after meeting y'all today.. i can almost guess what i'll dream of tonight.
i promise i won't forget. seeing jan everyday.. how can i.. but i'm so scared i might.. i don't want it to end badly, with us walking past each other in the corridors with nothing but a hi and a wave and a bye. i want us to be able to talk the way we always have, with no inhibitions. i want to be able to throw my arms around you with my chin on your shoulder, and have it feel completely natural. we mustn't ever degenerate into mere aquaintances. i'd rather die.
it must've been love.
9:44 pm
xoxo
Wednesday, January 5
i always thought there would be other people like me. but i haven't found anyone with whom i can connect yet. it's already been three days. heavens above, i found you 4 years ago on the first day of school! i've lost some of my innocence and naiveity. now i joke without meaning, without caring much. i just say what comes to mind. you laugh. they don't, not really, they don't
get it, the way you do. gosh i miss you so much. being with you just now.. just hanging around.. i can't tell you how much it means to me. to just see you and hear your voice and be with you. gosh i sound les. who cares. i wanna find someone who understands my brand of sarcasm and humour without trying to steal it away. i'm me you know. sarcasm is all i have. you know what i say, i'm nothing but sarcasm and a little glitter. don't take it away from me. they have it all. can't i keep my personality? sigh. another day. who knows what it will bring. i'm homesick for school, my second home.
i'm a fish out of water, a bird with oil on its wings.. and a rhyme without reason.
you were the reason to my rhyme. come back to me. let's turn back time, we'll make everything all right again. i didn't know what i had til i realised i could lose it, and i don't know what i'm missing til i find it. i didn't want to spend eternity looking back at earth's heaven. but facing dusty brown plains ahead.. i can't help turning back to gaze. and at night when i'm trying to sleep... my heart feels so heavy, every breath i draw is like trying to lift an enormous weight. and it's then that i realise all the more how much you meant to me, how much i miss you, and how vastly empty my future hangs, without you.
catch me, i'm falling, i tried to fly but i have no wings.
i miss you. think of me.. think of me softly when we've said goodbye.. remember me once in a while, please promise me you'll try. i never stop thinking about you. sitting in hc facing our school, i just want to get up and walk. walk back. all the way back. and today i did. it felt so good. like i was coming home. no one's happy anywhere. it's not hc's fault. we've spoilt each other with perfect company, and now nothing, even second best is going to do.
it must've been love.
11:27 pm
xoxo
Monday, January 3
i just wanna clarify why i'm feeling so shitty and unreasonable today. 4e6.. i love you. i miss you. it sucks walking into a new building, with its whole newness pressing down on you. it sucks turning around and knowing i won't find you. janet's usually in front. it sucks knowing nothing and nobody can ever replace you. i don't even want to try to make new friends. looking at them, i wonder why i never realised there were other sorts of people. i've been so protected. rgps, smss. best class. never saw any other type. hc's a good sch. but the people.. they are so different. i feel watched. i feel trapped. i feel lonely, like i don't belong, a jellyfish floating in the sea, stinging others because i don't want to be stung.
i love you. don't ever let our spirit die. already i am fading into nothing.
it must've been love.
7:40 pm
xoxo
woke up this morning dreading the day. was positively nauseous as the car neared sch.. but when i climbed out i saw jan walking towards me from the opposite direction. decided to take it as a good sign that neither of us had to wait for the other. found out that hc decided to have ogs this year.. and that we were in different ogs. but we basically spent the day in the auditorium listening to talks.. i'm fine with that, but only if you give me a comfortable chair and a pillow to sleep on. after that.. mass dancing. the councilors do it quite nicely. but there was one couple dance.. and i had to partner this ugly ri guy in my og who didn't want to let go of my hand. i had to snatch my hand away every time. it would be more fun to do the mass dances with people i cared about or at least knew, but i guess that's not an option. i have to try to make friends tmr. even though everyone i've seen so far is ugly. now i know how that sounds. like i only befriend beautiful people. but that's not true. fine i just don't want to make friends with them. maybe the girls. but not the guys. never the guys. i wanna run away to sa. be with y'all. not have ppl stare at the dots. not have ppl laugh. not have ppl talk. i wanna run away.
it must've been love.
6:36 pm
xoxo
Sunday, January 2
listen.
do you hear someone screaming into the silence?
footsteps running heavily down the stairs.
i shrink back into my own shell.
there's a pounding on the floor below, a violent struggle.
i double over, gripping my head between my knees
but i can't drown the sounds out.
they go on echoing in my head,
long after everything has gone silent.
over and over again i see flashing before my eyes
a full-colour picture, with the afternoon's shadows hitting the ground.
i see her face as she drags herself over the banister shrieking an unearthly shriek, clawing at her neck, sobbing so hard the words are meaningless
i hear my scream of terror hanging in the air as helpless tears run down my cheeks in salty rivers and splash softly on the parquet landing.
i feel my sister's arms around me, holding me tight as i stand there unmoving... she buries her face in my shoulder but i have fallen silent.
i break away and run into my haven.
i want to leave this place.
but there's nowhere to go to.
silence finally falls.
i cannot stop shaking.
it must've been love.
5:32 pm
xoxo
Saturday, January 1
i've got a new resolution to add. this one goes quite high up. probably 2 or 3. keep my family together. and my parents sane. and my sister home.
i don't really want to talk abt what happened this afternoon just yet. maybe later, when i've thought things over and analysed things. right now i'm still a little confused and scared. a wonderful new year eh. no one should cry on new year.
it must've been love.
4:36 pm
xoxo
i couldn't sleep.. was thinking abt what 2004 meant to me, and what 2005 will [hopefully] mean.
i don't think i can thank you girls enough for what you've shared with me.. this past year has been almost too meaningful to bear. i guess what doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.. and teaches you more from hindsight than you could ever have imagined. one thing i learnt.. i'm a panicky, last minute studier who should file her notes up before major exams. hehh. thank ally for all the times you scanned and sent me notes. another thing i learnt.. it's far greater to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. i know we're parting [have parted] but what you leave behind has blessed me enough to get me through the coming days. i guess it feels more like a curse sometimes.. learning to love new friends, only to leave them when the road bends. but friends never say goodbye in their hearts.
as for what the new year will bring.. i haven't a clue. maybe sadness, maybe joy. maybe laughter, maybe tears. who knows.. fate spins on cruelly sometimes. well.. i'm hoping that i can make things better by sticking to my resolutions.. i want sweet seventeen to be even better than sweet sixteen.. but God, if that's not possible, i understand entirely. we cannot ask for more than the moon sometimes.. the sun burns too bright for us to bear. anyway. my resolutions. in this order.
1. draw nearer to God. [i feel like such a backsliding fool.]
2. get my priorities right. i really need to think and pray abt this, cos not being sure of my priorities has made some of this year pretty tough. i mean it's all right to say duty before self.. but which duty? duty to friends, to sch, to cca, to studies, and even to your own beliefs?
3. make a conscious effort to make time for my sec sch as well as pri sch friends. and try not to get too jealous when they start spending more time with future bfs/gfs and utterly ignore the rest of us. *scowls*
4. be a better student. 'nuff said.
5. learn to do chores faster and better. and complain less. especially regarding ironing. and figure out how to cook more dishes.
6. improve my handwriting. it's like chicken scratching. *shudders* esp now i'll be writing tons of essays. so write faster too.
7. maintain my weight. because it's getting increasingly harder to lose weight, so i might as well try to avoid putting any more on. this is thanks to ms wee, whom we met yesterday.. the wonderful chinese teacher informed me most cheerfully that i had put on weight. i couldn't find a proper reply in chinese.
8.
not fall for a guy. i will have to kill myself.
9. love myself. =)
happy new year everyone. i love you! *huggies* don't forget.. but don't go through life walking forward and looking backward either.. there will always be a special place in my heart just for you.
it must've been love.
1:02 am
xoxo
